


The Week That Hogwarts Came Calling And Pepper Became A Drill Sergeant

by XtaticPearl



Series: The Starktones Chronicles And Some World Saving On The Side [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Movie Night, Avengers Tower, Bets & Wagers, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Quidditch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 15:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7177544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes people slack off in their alertness and sanity, ending up agreeing with Tony Stark. Which inadvertently leads to the Tony, Clint and Bucky coming together to make a small scale disaster into a global meltdown. Nick Fury did not order the movie nights to make the Avengers become Potterheads and sit on brooms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all those who endure my madness. Especially those who humor me by commenting on all my crazy fics. Please continue to do so with this one too. I'll go load my glitter gun for those who're slowly backing away now. Toodles!

 

The world of common men and women has a hierarchy of rights, a staircase of who gets what when and who needs to step down for whom to go up. It is all very diabolical if you dive into it deep and Nick Fury was a man who had enough trouble keeping his mind straight without thinking about such complexities. He lived on a line, a divider that brought together hemispheres of men and Ironmen, machines and War Machines, widows and Black Widows, captains and Captain America. Nick was an old man holding a new world together. This world, this fledgling of chaos, needed a leash. A chain to pull when the inevitable train crash happened.

That chain, that leash was SHIELD. It lasted strong, resilient and objective in holding together the Avengers long enough, for about a couple of years. Till the universe decided that Nick Fury needed to lose hair from his hairless head or the very least a bit more sanity from his already insane intellect. SHIELD fell – collapsed like a beautiful domino, trashing every bit of control and order in its wake. Nobody knew who started the domino, but everybody knew who put down the last piece.

Captain America. Steven Grant Rogers.

It wouldn’t be fair to lug all the credit or blame onto him though, because there were others. Other idealistic, drum beating, war paint clad people who made sure that the leash was broken. Sure, some of them were indirect or even unaware, but contribute they did.

Namely Falcon, Black Widow and Agent 13.

Nick was fine with that, no really, he was. They were smart people, good people, who knew how to stay on the side of the angels despite cleaning up hell. But there were others, people Nick liked to call Devil’s Spawns, who made it their mission to make his life a game of volcano tending.

Before SHIELD fell, before Captain America flushed out Hydra from it, before DC these spawns were manageable. Tolerable. Not controllable but bearable, because they weren’t together. They weren’t fused. Of course, fate had different plans, and it was Captain America, goddamn Steve Rogers himself who introduced them to each other. Well, at least one of them to the other two, who had already begun fusing their deviance. When the third joined them, it was the beginning of a new hell.

A hell Phil Coulson referred to as the Starktones. Tony **Stark** , Clint Bar **ton** and Bucky Bar **nes**.

Nick called them the Devil’s Spawns, as he has already mentioned. He would also like to not remember how the triad of hellraisers had begun their own brand of hell-raising thanks to him.

_Three months ago:_

“Sir, I would like to re-affirm that this is a horrible idea,” Maria kept up the pace with Nick as they almost marched through the corridors of the new SHIELD, Nick glaring at every agent who looked up at him, “this could likely be the worst idea to exist after the Fajita Bomb incident.”

“Hill, you mention that incident one more time and I’ll have you training Darcy Lewis in hand-to-hand combat,” Nick warned lightly and Hill narrowed her eyes an inch but kept walking beside him, “The Avengers are our last line of defense but are also our most elite bunch of overgrown and over-powerful infants with egos and issues the size of Mount Rushmore. When they’re not fighting aliens and mad scientists, they are cooped up in Stark’s tower.”

“The Avengers Tower,” Hill corrected coolly and Nick side-eyed him with his one good eye.

“They’re jobless and idle,” Nick bit the bullet and Maria sighed in the way that always said _this is going to go so bad_ , “I have Rogers creating pandemonium when he goes out to grocery shop. Thor has broken street lamps when he tries to get them to shine brighter with his lightening energy. Romanoff keeps stealing weapons from our armoury, despite our best security measure, and writes Russian messages in the shooting range. With bullet holes. Banner has been smuggling in weed, do **not** try telling me otherwise because I refuse to believe that Bryce Bonnet lives in that frigging Tower. Wilson I don’t have problems with but the next time he flies over morning joggers screaming _On your right_ , I think we might begin to have issues.”

“And the others, sir?” Hill asked with a barely concealed smirk that made Nick narrow his eye.

“Do not get me started on Barton’s ‘Arrow Showers’ from the rooftop or Barnes throwing out TVs from the windows.”

“So, not even mentioning Stark?” Hill confirmed with a put on solemn expression.

Nick remembered the Fajita Bomb incident. Every agent in SHIELD remembered that incident.

“I really wish Pepper Potts hadn’t broken up with that man,” Nick sighed tiredly.

“I’m not sure Romanoff will be happy to hear that, sir”

“Yeah, well she isn’t the one who has to deal with a raving mad Stark,” Nick grunted and Maria rolled her eyes slightly.

“I agree that they are a little…difficult to handle, sir, but I really don’t see the point of this –“

“They’re all mad, Agent Hill,” Nick snapped quietly, pausing in front of his office, “They’re all individually nut-jobs who are sulking away on their own, without making much effort to come together. They don’t have a purpose to stay together and they can’t run away from that Tower because they have nowhere else to go. They train, plot, fight the bad guys and then go back, but when it’s done they don’t know what to do with each other. They’re led by a guy who was 24 when he went under ice and now is expected to lead a god who is over a couple of centuries old, a menopausal genius, a couple of off-the-rails assassins and agents, a double-personality scientist, an ex-paratrooper who helps PTSD survivors but has PTSD of his own and not to mention said leader’s best friend gone cuckoo. They’re a ticking time bomb, Banner was right.”

“And sending Phil Coulson to monitor them is a way to keep them from exploding, sir?” Maria’s tone was arctic.

“They were ready to kill aliens and save the city for him once,” Nick shrugged, “they might find a reason to not kill each other because of him. Coulson knows them, Hill. He is personally involved with all of them. Even Stark, who surprisingly listens to him. He’s our only shot here.”

“But sir –“

“It’s decided, Agent,” Nick said firmly, “Phil Coulson will be going in as the official Avengers handler from today. I’ve already given him the order, he’ll be there in an hour. It’s going to be fine. It’s all under control.”

_Now:_

Under control would be the last thing that could describe the current state of the Avengers.

“Repeat that sentence again, Agent, and use your words carefully,” Nick spoke into his phone, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.

“Vibrating wands, sir,” Hill bit out, sounding strangled, “They’re having a _yard sale_ selling vibrating wands, screaming books, nose-red nuggets –“

“Nosebleed noggats!” someone yelled from the background and Nick recognized Barton’s voice.

“- pumpkin pastries –”

“Puking Pasties, woman! Honestly!” another voice yelled and Nick could visualize Bucky Barnes frowning.

“ – sorted out hats –”

“SORTING HATS!” Tony corrected loudly in the background and Nick sighed when there was the sound of a scuffle ending with a loud thumping sound.

“Agent Hill?” he sked in his best calm voice.

There was a pause in the line before Maria came back on, sounding breathless.

“Sorry sir, here sir, just some minor pest issues,” she bit out, clearing her throat, “Sir, they’re selling Harry Potter merchandise. With Avengers modifications.”

“Modifications?” Nick asked with a wary breath. Hill gave out a choking sound before continuing.

“The vibrating wand has a tagline that says _You took the stick out of Captain America’s ass. You are a real wizard!_ ” she bit out, breathing in deeply before adding, “sir.”

Nick opened his mouth, thought better and shut it before taking a couple of deep breaths.

“Why?” he breathed out in an almost hiss and shot a glare at the agent who dared to snicker behind him.

“Because apparently they had a Harry Potter marathon yesterday, sir,” Hill sighed, “and the Starktones –”

“Stark, Barton and Barnes, Agent,” Nick reminded shortly, “Do not encourage the trend.”

There was a minor static on the other side before another voice came through.

“They’re selling franchised merchandise in a Stark warehouse wearing robes, sir,” Phil Coulson informed, “they’re already a trend. Not saying the name will not stop them.”

“Coulson, so help me God –”

“Sir, all due respect? You were the one who named them Devil’s Spawns. You really think God is going to help you with them?” Phil asked and Nick let out a strangled noise, “Director, they’re not blowing up the city, they’re simply selling trash products that Stark tech created. They also tested the products themselves before selling. It’s all very authentic looking. You should count your blessings.”

“They’re the breaking news on national television!” Nick yelled and Phil cleared his throat.

“You’re the one who said that anything other than bad publicity is good publicity, sir,” he reminded Nick.

“10 points to House of Slither-to-the-inside!” a voice boomed in the background and both Nick and Phil stopped speaking.

“It’s Slytherin, you dumbass! Oh my god, who the hell –” Barton’s screeches could be heard in the background after a pause.

“Also, Thor has joined us now,” Phil informed primly and Nick fought the urge to bang his head against the table, “I have to go now, sir. It looks like somebody’s ears have begun bleeding from one of the books. I’ll fix it sir. Goodbye, sir.”

Nick stared at the phone as the line went dead. He made a hand gesture that had all the other agents scurrying out of the room. He calmly placed the phone back down and smoothed his jacket, before placing both hands on the table.

“Fucking” bang “Starktones” bang “and” bang “their” bang “movie” bang “nights!” bang

A voice came on through the intercom and Nick froze before grunting in a gesture to ask the agent to speak.

“Sir, well, erm..”

“Spit it out!”

“Mr. Stark has sent you a three cartons of…Locks-heart Shampoo, sir”

Nick stilled and croaked out a ‘why’.

“The card says…”

“SPIT IT OUT!”

A picture flashed on Nick’s screen immediately. It was of a card that had three signatures on it

_To our beloved ghost, Nearly Hairless Nick – Stark_

_May your looks not haunt you anymore – Barnes_

_Good locks! - Barton_

The yell that came from Nick Fury’s office that day became the alert alarm for future invasions. It was very effective.

***********

To be fair, it had all started with Phil. Tony would maintain that till his dying breath and then he would get Jarvis to remind it to everyone on recording, because it was true. They had been fine before he came in, encouraging team bonding and sharing and singing fucking Kumbaya.

The first week had been horrible. Absolutely terrible and skin-peeling torture. They had been made to eat together. Three meals a day. On the frickin dining table. It was a miracle that Clint hadn’t thrown the fork at Bucky the first day or that Natasha had resisted from stabbing Thor’s thigh the second. Tony himself had behaved very maturely, not flicking peas at Steve or scratching the plate with his cutlery loudly next to Steve or eating bananas staring at Steve. Really, he had resisted and behaved like a mature adult. Well, at least till the third day. And you really shouldn’t blame Tony for the third day disaster because really, Natasha had dug a frickin knife into Thor’s thigh and Bruce had Hulked out with an overturned spaghetti bowl on his head, thank you so much for that Barnes. Tony had done minimal damage and the smell of Époisses de Bourgogne had left Steve’s hair after two days. His own skin still tasted like curry sometimes. Okay, maybe that was because of the curry he spilt on himself this morning, but that’s not the point.

The point is that it had all started with Phil Coulson’s mission to make them all bond. Which, he really should have known, would only lead to further disasters. Like Tony actually liking his team-mates, realizing that Bruce could hip-hop like nobody’s business, noticing that Steve was actually a good human with a great ass and not just a human who was a good ass, and finding kindred spirits in two other shits of this universe. Clintess and Buckaroo had somehow managed to become his best not-friends, because calling them best friends would lead to Rhodey flying in and kicking his ass. Rhodey was a possessive bitch but he was Tony’s bitch so Tony didn’t actively antagonize him too much. So, he referred to Barton and Barnes as his best not-friends or scrooges and they together found eternal heaven when Phil recommended his worst idea – Movie Night.

You see, when normal people had movie nights, they saw a movie, threw popcorn, yelled at bad dialogues and then probably made out with people they shouldn’t have. When Avengers had movie nights, it became a topic of debate (talking over each other), vicious fan wars and idea generator for pranks worth an entire month. The first month’s Wizard of Oz had some memorable memories.

This week though was special. It was out of the world. It was, for the lack of a better word, magical.

“Hey, Fe-man!” Bucky waved his newly concocted Firewhiskey from the kitchen table as Tony entered the hall, Bruce in tow, “Dude, you gotta taste this. Fireworks in my mouth. Lava in my stomach. It’s frickin awesome!”

“It’s not! It tastes like piss!” a voice yelled down from the kitchen vent and Bruce blinked once, turning to look at Steve who was lounging on the couch, before shrugging and going to the fridge.

“How’d you know about that, asshole?” Bucky squinted at the vent and Tony skipped a step, bending over Bucky’s head and taking a sip out of his glass.

“Eurgh!” Tony shuddered before smacking his lips and making a face, “It’s disgusting!...I love it!”

Clint dropped down from the vent and smacked Tony’s head with a glare.

“Piss, Tony, that’s piss,” he said emphatically.

“And you’d know all about that?” Tony rubbed the back of his head with a scowl.

Clint paused, looked at both of them before batting his eyes.

“Don’t ask, won’t tell,” he winked and Bucky gagged, “Science, bitch!”

“You three are determined to ruin the name of science,” Steve shook his head from the couch where Bruce had settled to eat his pumpkin pie.

“Thanks!” all three of them grinned at each other and went about discussing pee and science.

“Say Steve,” Tony threw a bottle cap across the room at Steve’s head but the Captain caught it mid-air, turning to raise an eyebrow at Tony, “ _did_ you know that Betty from Medical wants to bite your ass? And not in the metaphorical sense or in the sense of vampires. Like really, argh, nom-nom, slurp..that kind of bite?”

Steve didn’t look fazed and frowned, tilting his head a bit.

“Betty who?” he blinked thoughtfully and Tony waved his hands around.

“Betty the cowboy boot girl? The blonde one with a great ra –“

Bruce cleared his throat pointedly and Steve quirked a smirk. Tony shut his mouth and opened it again.

“- _range_ in vocal tone, Brucie honestly, the dirty mind you have,” Tony shook his head disappointedly and Bucky took another sip of his drink, making a disgusted face.

“You mean, Brenda,” Steve ignored the ridiculous part of the conversation and shrugged before going back to his newspaper, “Yeah, Nat told me. Not interested.”

“Oh, really?” Tony sneaked a look at Clint who looked like he was growing purple in the face with a shit-eating grin, “Well what about Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy?”

“Man, now you’re just naming Little Women,” Bucky shook his head over his glass and Tony winked.

“Eh, in this case they’re men but they are pretty little,” he shrugged and Bruce choked on his pie before shooting Tony a dirty look while Steve didn’t seem much bothered, “What say, Cap? Any of them?”

“In the right vicinity but nope, not my choice,” Steve shrugged one shoulder and rotated his neck a bit before arching off the couch, stretching his back, “Besides, I already have someone in sight.”

Tony was busy trying to resuscitate some brain cells as the visual of Steve stretching and bowing his back had scrambled most of them. Finally he snapped back to the present when Clint pointedly stamped on his foot.

“Ow! Huh? Oh, oh really? That’s..that’s painful,” Tony glared at Clint before looking back at Steve who shot him a questioning look, “painfully curious I mean. You’re swinging ass and not boobs this time, huh Steve-o?”

Steve folded his paper and got up from the couch with grace that a lug of muscles should not be capable of. “That’s sexist of you but no, I’m not ‘swinging ass’,” Steve said plainly, shooting Tony a slightly amused look, “I prefer brains over body.”

“Big brains?” Tony waggled his eyebrows and Bucky choked on his drink prompting Clint to thump on his back with more force than necessary. Steve raised an eyebrow and for a second Tony thought he saw something flash in those baby blues.

“The biggest I know,” Steve smirked a bit and Tony would really have tripped over air if he hadn’t been clenching the chair tightly, “but I think it takes a long time to reboot and work in the right direction.”

Tony tried to work his jaw and speak words but all he could do was stare at Steve sashaying out of the room after that comment.

“Oh God!” Bucky groaned and covered his face with both hands, “This is exactly how my boggart starts.”

“With Steve’s ass?” Clint tilted his head and frowned.

“With Stevie and Stark’s sexual tension,” Bucky shook his head, “and it always ends with me seeing parts of both of them I really never want to see.”

Tony snapped out of his daze and wheezed out a breath.

“Huh? What? Ridiculous!” Tony snorted with an exaggerated air and Bruce rolled his eyes from the couch.

“Yes, Tony, that’s ridiculous,” he smiled pacifyingly and a bit patronizingly which made Tony scowl, “definitely not the pigtail pulling you’re doing for the past three months.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t,” Clint waved his hand dismissively before bulldozing over Tony’s definitely stupid defense, “Now, can we talk about the Reducto arrows you promised me last week? I was thinking we could also add…”

Bruce zoned out of the babble the three of them got into and shook his head as he stuffed his mouth with his pie.

“Muggles,” he sighed sadly and thought about coming up with a plausible and sustainable Polyjuice Potion.

***********

Bucky was busy cleaning his knife collection in the training basement wearing his _I’m an elf, don’t sock me_ t-shirt when Sam came stomping in like a furious hippopotamus.

“Did you see this?” he waved a magazine in front of Bucky’s face and almost hit his eye, missing it when Bucky wisely ducked.

“You mean your wonderfully lovely face or the magazine you’re currently strangling to wordpressed death?” Bucky winked at his own joke and sighed at the positively furious glare he got in return, “Fine, Wilson, what did I not see this glorious morning?”

Sam thrust the magazine into Bucky’s hands and viciously opened up a page, stabbing it with his finger.

“That!”

Bucky raised an eyebrow at Sam pointedly before breathing out a long-suffering sigh and looking at the page.

**_Winter becomes Falcon’s favorite? – Season of love in the Avengers Tower._ **

“Nice pic,” Bucky nodded and peered closer, “Is that a paunch on you or did the camera shake? That’s okay, I kinda like a little extra cream on my muffins.”

Sam shot him a filthy look at that, took a deep breath and pointed at the article.

“This says that we’re dating,” he said slowly, looking at Bucky with a crazed look, “that _I_ am dating _you_.”

“Okay?” Bucky was really confused and he was eyeing his knife longingly because this conversation wasn’t making any sense. Sam pulled him by the shoulders and shook him a bit, staring at his face.

“It says we’re in love!” he bit out, “People read this shit!”

“There’s a point to this, right?”

“I’M NOT GAY!” Sam choked and Bucky stilled, looking up at Sam with cautious eyes.

“Sam,” he put his hands on Sam’s hands slowly, looking at him like you would a crazed animal, “Your ‘head’ was literally in my ass this morning.”

Sam shook his head vehemently, almost dislodging Bucky’s grip.

“That’s not the point!” he said and Bucky had the urge to check his forehead for a fever, “That’s just sex. This, this says we’re in love! I can’t be in love with a guy. I’m straight!”

“Dude, way to go breaking my heart,” Bucky muttered under his breath but then spoke louder, “Wilson, I get that you’re not gay.”

“Thank you!” Sam threw his hands in the air like somebody had accepted a universal truth.

“You’re bisexual, maybe.”

“Exactly-wait, what?” Sam blinked and Bucky reluctantly let go of his hands, “No I’m not.”

“You kind of are, pal”

“Don’t pal me. I know I’m not.”

“Sam, you were the one who signed us up for Pride this year, your room has the Bi-pride flag right next to your Dodgers poster, you had a crush on Stevie _and_ Sharon for a long time and you, I don’t know, _sleep with me every day for the last two months_!” Bucky flailed his hands for a minute, “I don’t know what you call it in your language but in mine, it’s called being bi-sexual. Or demi-sexual, pansexual, even ace maybe. Anything on the spectrum except heterosexual.”

“Shut up, I did not have a crush on Steve!” Sam punched Bucky’s chest and the soldier rolled his eyes.

“You kinda did. It was pathetic. Steve found it kinda cute. Tony didn’t.” Bucky shrugged and sighed when Sam’s face did a hurt + angry kind of expression, “Okay, fine, what brought on this meltdown? Why do you suddenly have a huge problem with this?”

“Because I’m not gay!”

“Wilson…” Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“Because…I’m not gay-in-love…”

“Sam…”

“Because…I can’t…be in love?” the last part of the statement came out more as a question and Bucky waited patiently till Sam sighed and head-butted Bucky lightly, resting it on his chest, “I’m not in love.”

“Okay,” Bucky said quietly even though he didn’t think it was okay, because _he_ was in love with this idiot, “Okay, that’s fine, but what does that have to do with you being gay or bi or whatever?”

“Look at the picture”

Bucky did and he couldn’t help but smile a bit. They were coming out of a bakery together and Sam was stuffing Bucky’s mouth with a bagel. Bucky remembered that, he had been ranting about the coming elections and how he would like to have a little _chat_ with that Trump guy. Sam had tried to get him to stop yelling for about two minutes before he got tired and stuffed the bagel he was holding into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky had choked a bit before mock-glaring at Sam through his puffed out face and Sam had condescendingly patted his cheek though with a mischievous grin. They looked good together, Bucky thought wistfully, Sam dressed in his charcoal grey full sleeve t-shirt and black pants and Bucky in a steel grey Captain America hoodie and jeans. It was a picture that screamed intimacy, not in the passionate sense but in a more comfort sense. It looked like they were happy. It looked like they were in love, if there was ever a look for that.

“It looks nice,” Bucky conceded gracefully and Sam looked up with pursed lips.

“Yeah? Well, it looks like we’re a couple”

“And is that so bad?” Bucky asked before he could bite it back. Sam stilled for a minute before stepping back a foot.

“Barnes…”

“I know, I know, kidding,” Bucky raised his hands with a fake smile that he wished didn’t come so painfully, “Friends with benefits, I know that. I’m all over it really. So, lets talk about you. Why’re you suddenly denying your attraction to people without penises?”

Sam snorted at that, eyes still wary but his shoulders relaxed a bit.

“I don’t know, I just panicked at the … love part I guess,” he said, rubbing a palm over his face, “I’m fine, it’s all okay.”

Bucky was about to call bullshit but he knew enough of Sam to know that he would bury himself under a mound of denial before he ever let on that he had trouble. Helping others was easy for Sam, but helping himself? Not really.

“Okay” Bucky shrugged and carefully did not look at Sam as he picked back up his knife, resuming his cleaning, “Hey, you think Tony’ll be up for that new Exploding Snaps game we bought off online? Clint and I have a bet going on that Tony will lose fastest.”

Sam was silent for a minute and when Bucky looked up, he thought his eyes had an unreadable expression on them. Then he shook his head and shrugged, bantering about how Tony would lose at anything that had explosions in them because he wouldn’t be able to resist them at all.

Bucky knows that this is a definite setback to his plan of coming out and sayng three special words but he was okay with waiting. At least till Sam got his head out of his own ass.

********

It was Clint in the end who ended up snowballing the end to that week’s madness. By sparking off the height of said madness, obviously.

“You did _what_?” Pepper asked again, staring at Clint from his spot on the couch as the archer looked nervously at everyone gathered for the mandatory ‘family meeting’.

“It’s not all that bad,” Clint protested a bit before clearing his throat awkwardly at Rhodey’s glare, “Okay, maybe it kind of is, but hey, on the good side, we get Christmas presents! Big ones!”

“Birdbrain, you could have just _bought_ yourself whatever present you wanted,” Bucky snarled, shooting the archer a poisonous look, “You didn’t have to go frigging bet on a _Quidditch_ match with frigging Natasha Romanoff!”

“Hey, you try keeping your mouth shut when she gets needling!” Clint shot back with a petulant scowl that made no difference on Pepper’s glower, “Look, it’s just a game, right? And it’s not like you don’t have a new line of StarkSpark brooms ready to be launched or anything.” Clint poked out his tongue in sarcasm. It was a brilliant idea, really. The StarkSpark line of modified brooms and an entire Quidditch set were going to be the new craze in the market, even Pepper had agreed grudgingly. Tony had come up with bludgers with AI-ed sensors in them, snitches that had sensitized flares and the Quaffles were shaped like a mixture of the shield and an arc reactor. It was all super rad. Clint had tested them himself and he was itching for more. Which might have been one of the reasons he had mouthed off a bet with Natasha for a game of Quidditch.

“Clint,” Rhodey breathed through his teeth, “You bet not just for yourself but for everyone who plays the game.”

“Well, yeah,” Clint shrugged and winced when Bucky’s metal arm plates shifted menacingly.

Tony was silent the whole time and Pepper turned her glare onto him.

“What do you have to say to this?” she demanded in that voice that meant _You better say no or you’ll be having paperwork nightmares_.

“I…I actually think it’s a great idea,” Tony said slowly, a mad glint in his eyes that had everyone wary in seconds, “No really, it’s one of the best ideas shithead here has had!”

“Hey!” Clint protested before pausing and frowning at Tony, “It is?”

“Yeah!” Tony waved a dismissive hand before turning eagerly to Pepper, who had her stern face on, “Pepper, Pep, listen. You said that you wanted SHIELD off SI’s back for a couple of months, right?”

“That would be wonderful,” Pepper sighed grouchily and Tony flailed his hands with excitement.

“Exactly!” Bucky shot him a strange look at the high pitch but Tony ignored him and continued, “Look, Clint here has a bet with Nat, right? What if we expanded on that bet?”

“Tony, don’t try to make this worse than –”

“Pep, I’m talking about individual bets,” Tony spoke over her, “What if I can get you to have a bet with Maria Hill? To lay off SI if we win?”

Pepper narrowed her eyes and shared a look with Rhodey who shrugged.

“And why would you do that?” she asked suspiciously when Tony broke into a devious grin.

“Oh, for the sake of friendship,” he said airily before winking, “and the chance to have an individual bet myself maybe.”

“Oh God,” Bucky muttered under his breath before a light bulb idea struck his brain and he cleared his throat, looking at Tony innocently, “Maybe Tony’s right. It would be a good idea to have individual bets. For everyone.”

Tony shot him a knowing look that screamed _Good luck getting Sam to say it_. Bucky shot back a look of his own that said _Good luck getting Steve to do it_. Clint coughed pointedly and shot both of them a look that said _Good luck getting your heads out of your asses_.

“Say we agree,” Pepper said slowly, ignoring the looks going around, “what guarantee do you have that Hill will play? On Nat’s team?”

“Oh, she will,” Tony smirked with an unholy expression on his face that slowly spread to Bucky and Clint’s faces too. Rhodey shuddered and turned to Pepper.

“We are doomed” he informed her and she nodded solemnly before smirking herself.

“Yeah, but maybe we’ll get to kick some ass before it all goes to shit”

Pepper still had to get back at her girlfriend for stealing her entire stocking collection and this might just be a good chance to do that.

Rhodey simply stared at all of them before sighing.

“Fine, when’s the stupid game?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

The teams were formed pretty quickly, given all previous doubts on who will choose whose side. Bruce and Thor were banned from playing because even Tony agreed that Mjolnir and the Hulk would be highly unfair against mere mortals. Especially because none of them were allowed their armours and suits.

“This is stupid,” Tony whined as he picked up his uniform from the box that had been delivered, “Steve doesn’t even need a suit. He’s already stronger than the rest.”

“Ah, excuse me? Another super-soldier standing right here?” Bucky reminded with a bitch face as he looked over his own uniform with critical eyes, “Hey, these are actually not that bad.”

“Excuse you,” Jane glared from where she was bent, trying to find her shin and arm guards from a box, “they’re fantastic, thank you very much. Grey and orange is a perfect combination.”

“It doesn’t go against my colours, so I’m fine,” Clint said and then stared back at everyone when they stared at him, “What? You guys don’t do your wardrobes by your colours?”

“Anyway,” Peter said, breaking the awkward silence and going back to trying out his enhanced goggles, “I just wanted to say how glad I am that you guys called me in for this. Mr. Stark, really, I’m a big fan -”

“Yeah, yeah kid, try on your robes,” Tony waved his hand lazily, “Hey Rhodey, check out the bats! Cool LED right?”

“- of Harry Potter,” Peter ended with a sigh before turning to Pepper, who was already tying up her hair, “Hey, Ms. Potts, what’s the list on the other team? Anyone I don’t know?”

“The chart’s on the table, Peter,” Pepper gestured as she went back to discussing strategy with Jane.

Peter walked over thrown around uniforms to the table where a laminated chart lay. Picking it up, he frowned at the team names before shrugging and going over the list.

**Team Stars and Stripes**

| 

**Team Iron Legion**  
  
---|---  
  
Steve Rogers– Keeper

| 

Tony Stark– Chaser  
  
Natasha Romanoff – Seeker ©

| 

Clint Barton– Chaser  
  
Sam Wilson– Beater

| 

Bucky Barnes– Beater  
  
Maria Hill– Chaser

| 

Pepper Potts– Keeper ©  
  
Phil Coulson– Beater

| 

James Rhodes – Beater  
  
Darcy Lewis– Chaser

| 

Jane Foster – Chaser  
  
Sharon Carter– Chaser

| 

Peter Parker – Seeker  
  
 

“Hey, how’d they get Sharon Carter to come on board?” he asked, looking up.

“She’s Steve’s ex,” Rhodey commented even as Tony scowled, “I think she’s coming in to give Tony hell. Remember how you annoyed her for months after their break-up?”

“She’s my pseudo-cousin. She should be used to it,” Tony grunted and Pepper shot him a look before ignoring him again.

“And Phil Coulson?” Peter asked curiously.

“Ah, that’s this shithead’s boyfriend,” Bucky pointed at Clint who threw a glove at him, “He’s there basically to have make-up sex after the game.”

“Damn right he is,” Clint pumped his fist in the air and Peter stared at him for a minute before shaking his head to clear the shock.

“I’m not even gonna ask about Darcy Lewis,” he said, looking at Jane who raised an eyebrow, “and I think Maria Hill might be there –”

“- to get a chance to hit us,” Bucky, Clint and Tony said together, making Peter blink.

“Okay, enough of the chit-chat!” Pepper clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention, glaring at them all when they stared back at her, “Listen up ladies, we’ve got two weeks to practice and seven bets on line, not to mention my sanity which I place higher than all of you together. I don’t want to hear a single whine or bitching about coming on time, following your regime or sticking to the strategies. You whine and you’re stuck with laundry of the entire Tower for one week. Don’t give me that look, Stark, you know I can. We’re gonna win this shit and we’re gonna beat them hard. Now, hands in!”

Everyone blinked at each other for a second before complying.

“Victory on three,” Pepper commanded, “One, two, three…”

“VICTORY!” everybody shouted and broke off the circle, getting ready for their first day of practice.

A few miles away, in another ground, Natasha and Sam were looking at a monitor calmly.

“Do you think they have any idea how bad it’s going to get for them?” Sam asked casually, monitoring the feed from Redwing.

“Nah, I think they’ll get it after Pepper wrings them out in an hour or so,” Natasha shrugged with a smirk.

“Yes, well, I’d pity them…”

“…but it’s fun to wait for them to cry,” Steve ended Sam’s sentence from behind and both Nat and Sam clinked their water bottles in cheers as they watched the Iron Legion team getting the workout of a lifetime.

************

The individual bets were kept secret, under lock and key with Nick Fury, who had been way too intrigued to not take the bait. The main event was held on December 24th, right on time for the bets to be treated as Christmas presents the next day. Tony had rented an entire stadium for the day and Fury had graciously (hah!) put the Fantastic Four on alert in case of any emergencies for the day.

The day was pleasant and the sky was clear, which Darcy bemoaned a couple of times saying that now they couldn’t even take the rain excuse to back out. She had been dragged into this mess by Maria in exchange for a day-off the coming weekend. Seeing how she was the one with the maximum knowledge of the game on Team Stars and Stripes, it was probably for the best. She had initially deflected taking any bets but then Peter had been dragged in by Tony and she couldn’t really back out. So she had shrugged, written off a dumb bet, directed it at James Rhodes because Tony, Pepper and Bucky had persistently asked her not to exchange bets with them.

Everybody knew who they were targeting.

When the morning of December 24th came by, Darcy stood on her nervous legs beside her ‘team’ wearing their blue and silver uniforms, StarkSpark broom in hand.

“Why’s there a crowd?” she whispered furiously to Natasha who looked fierce in her costume with her hair pulled up in a pony-tail.

“SHIELD agents,” Sharon replied, checking her gloves for grip grimly, “90% of them are here to see Tony, Barton and Bucky get chased around and hit.”

“That’s…not a nice reason,” Steve sighed at the look he got from his ex-girlfriend and now friend, “I’m glad they’re on our side though.”

“Doesn’t mean Stark doesn’t have supporters,” Maria chipped in, straightening her robe, “Pepper’s called in most of the SI staff and surprisingly, they’re all pretty loyal to Stark. Or maybe it’s Pepper they’re cheering for.”

“You really underestimate the likability of Tony Stark,” Phil observed as he gripped his broom tight, “He’s got a high level of loyalty from his staff, not just because of their packages but also because of just plain him.”

“Exactly,” Steve nodded without looking at Maria, “Tony’s a pretty swell guy if you see past his walls.”

“Oh, we know that,” Sam rolled his eyes at the minute blush on Steve’s cheek before the Captain swallowed it, putting on his poker face, “You do know why he was so desperate for this individual bets bullshit, right?”

“I have no idea,” Steve said innocently and ruined it by winking at Sam. Natasha smirked at him before looking straight ahead, at the stadium.

“Time to go, guys,” she said in a no-nonsense tone and hoisted her broom to get ready, “Let’s win this.”

Both the teams flew up into the stadium, Darcy and Bucky fumbling for a second on their brooms before they steadied themselves, into opposing semi-circles.

“Right!” Nick yelled into his loudspeaker, wearing a black robe that wasn’t any different from his normal dress, “I want a quick, clean and serious game. None of your bullshit or pulling your punches. Keep it straight but keep it real.”

“Yeah, real orator he is,” Bucky whispered to Clint and put on his stony mask when Nick’s eye cut to him with a small glare.

“You know the rules,” Nick continued quickly, “Doctor Banner and Thor will be keeping scores, and I’ll be monitoring the game. The team to score the maximum points wins. The team to catch the snatch –“

“Snitch, sir,” Phil droned from his spot, not bothering to look down.

“-yeah, that, snitch will win the match automatically. Good luck teams. Let the game begin!”

The second between Nick throwing up the Quaffle and it coming up within reach was one of absolute silence. And then it was absolute chaos.

Clint was the first one to get the Quaffle, snatching it from the air seconds before Hill could get her hands on it. As soon as he got the ball he swept up and, in a practiced move, Tony followed him, providing cover and weaving between Sharon and Hill. Clint and Tony had the added advantage of being almost mind-synced from their real battled, so they knew when to duck, dive, surge and pass.

Clint flew in circles around Hill for a minute, baiting Sharon to try to dive in before throwing the ball to Tony, who caught it mid-flight. He saw Darcy come at him from the side and dived at the last second, making her almost crash into Phil, who was beating the bludger at Tony.

“Ha ha! Take that Phil!” Tony screamed on a laugh, “Too slow for the – whoa!”

Tony saw the bludger come a tad too slow and almost forgot that he wasn’t wearing a Jarvis fitted suit. He was almost hit in his face when somebody flew in front of him and hit back the bludger.

“Eyes on the game, Stark!” Bucky smirked, winking at Tony as he flew away to defend the next hit from Sam, the metal arm glinting in the sun. Tony smirked back and swiveled to dodge past an incoming Hill. He was almost near the hoops when he saw Darcy, Hill and Sharon flying in a V formation, leaving no opening. He paused, waiting till they were close and then winked at Steve who had moved forward in his excitement.

“Sorry honey!” he yelled as he threw the Quaffle down blindly and everyone looked to see Jane catch it perfectly below him before surging up and, in a move that screamed pure dance, shot the ball through the unguarded hoop.

“TEN POINTS TO THE IRON LEGION!” Bruce screamed into his microphone from below, somewhere in the stands and the grey and orange wearing part of the crowd cheered like crazy.

Bucky yelled giddily from his spot and Clint laughed like crazy, both of them flying to Tony. The three of them slapped each other’s back and did their secret handshake.

“STARKTONES!” they yelled in the end and laughed when Phil growled from beside.

“Oh, now you’re in for it,” Sam grunted from beside Phil and both the beaters fly back with a billowing effect. Tony shrugged at Clint and Bucky who looked at him before they flew back themselves.

“Good one, Tony,” Steve said from behind and Tony turned to shoot a suspicious look, but Steve was grinning at him, the kind of grin that usually made Tony think of the sun.

“Yeah?” he asked in wonder before clearing his throat and giving him a smug grin, “Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet, baby.”

“I’m betting I’ll see a lot more of you by the end… _baby_ ” Steve shot back with a small smirk and Tony almost fell off his broom before he heard Pepper yelling at him to get back to position. Shaking his head at the innuendos he was reaching at, Tony blew Steve an exaggerated air kiss and flew back.

The game went on for some time, Stars and Stripes bucking up to score their own goals in retaliation to the Legion. Hill was vicious in particular and Phil defended her from Rhodey’s bludgers pretty well. Pepper caught the Quaffle in her chest once and almost fell off, spurring Tony and Natasha yelling frantically for a minute. But then when she threw the caught Quaffle back at Hill with a force nobody expected, hitting Maria in her stomach, Tony noticed Natasha smirk proudly.

Sharon and Darcy formed a sync of their own pretty fast, and Tony and Jane had to come up with a few impromptu decisions to score past them. Clint was being blocked constantly by Hill, in some sort of revenge for having started this mess in the first place.

Steve was glorious after the first goal. Tony almost went into a daze for a minute when the Captain did a parkour _on his broom_ to save one of Tony’s goals. It didn’t help that Steve kept smirking at Tony with some sort of bedroom eyes whenever he looked. It sort of made the genius’ brain short-fuse whenever he was almost there to score.

“Stark!” Pepper screamed the third time Tony hesitated to score, getting almost hit by a bludger that would have succeeded if not for Rhodey, “Stop offering your balls to Steve, goddammit! And Barnes!”

Tony looked over to see Bucky and Sam yell at each other even as they were having some sort of a tennis match with a bludger.

“Stop slapping your ball against Wilson!” Pepper ordered and Bucky blinked while Sam looked like he was choking. Pepper didn’t seem to care and shot her murderous glare at Peter before growling, “Find the goddamned Snitch or nobody will find your body!”

Peter gulped a lump in his throat.

“She’s sexy when she’s scary, right?” Natasha floated up before him, smirking at her girlfriend and Peter whimpered on a scared sound at the thought of death with knives or heels.

“I like your balls, you know,” Steve commented as Tony sheepishly moved away from the goal hoops and Tony almost swallowed his own tongue. Sharon, who was flying by the side, snickered at it and Tony startled before looking between Sharon and Steve, then glaring at Steve.

“You know what? You’re on, Rogers. You’re so on.” Tony hissed angrily and flew away, leaving a confused Steve who wondered why his flirting suddenly got such a reaction.

In the next few minutes, the match turned from competitive to war. Nobody knew what Tony had gone and whispered into Clint’s ear or why Clint had paled before shooting a meaningful look at Barnes. Nobody understood why Barnes had glared at Tony before sighing in defeat and nodding. Not even Pepper understood what had happened, but she did understand that now Tony was playing for blood.

He was a natural flier and he pushed all his experience to the max. At one point, Darcy had been left reeling from a particular spin Tony did around her in a maneuver to throw the Quaffle at Clint. Clint passed it on to Jane who dodged a bludger from Sam in the nick of time before she threw it back to Tony. Who shot the ball directly at Steve without missing a beat.

Nobody had expected Steve to fall back with the force of the ball that carried him _through the hoop_ to score a goal. Bruce even sounded wary as he announced the score and only Thor laughed at it.

“What the hell?” Sam breathed out when he rushed to check if Steve was okay, even though the Captain had held on to his balance after a few minutes, “Dude, how the hell did he hit you so hard?”

“Anger,” Phil muttered as he hovered near too, “He’s pissed off about something.” Phil shot Steve a piercing look, “Any idea what he’s pissed at?”

“No,” Steve wheezed before clearing his throat and shooting Tony’s back a concerned look, “But I’m guessing it’s something to do with me.”

Stars and Stripes gave back as hard as they got hit after that, working Rhodey, Bucky, Clint and Jane into almost weariness. Pepper was keeping post through sheer determination, something she had years of in back-log. But Tony seemed to be running, or flying, on something else altogether, scoring left, right and center.

“The score is Stars and Stripes at 50 and Iron Legion at 190,” Bruce announced after a while to the crowd who were switching between mad cheering or utter silence, “no sign of the Snitch yet, which could . Stripes Captain Natasha Romanoff and Legion Seeker Peter Parker seem to be getting anxious after quite a long wait.”

It was as though Bruce’s words had broken a jinx because Peter caught sight of the Snitch immediately. He took off behind it, feeling giddy with excitement at finally flying, when he heard the _swoosh_ of another set of robes chasing him.

Peter had ability of maneuvering mid-air, science and a better eye-sight. Natasha had instincts, better target-sighting and brutal strategies. It was a battle of skills which had Thor on his feet screaming directions at god knows who, Nick Fury cursing expletives in nervousness and Bruce chanting mantras to keep his cool.

Three things happened simultaneously which created an uproar throughout the stadium. 1) Bucky missed seeing a bludger come at him from Maria (who had stolen the bat from Phil) as he got distracted watching the Snitch fight and was saved when Sam came in between to hit it away. 2) The bludger’s trajectory put it in the path of the hoop where Steve was and rushed towards him with maximum force, only to be stopped when a blur of grey and orange came in between 3) Natasha jumped over Peter in the last second and caught the Snitch in her hand neatly just as a sickening crack came from above that got drowned out by the crazy cheers.

“STARS AND STRIPES WIN AT 200 POINTS!” Bruce cheered into his microphone and frowned when Thor grabbed his shoulder with panic, making him look down again and almost getting his heart stopped, “TONY!”

Tony almost hit the ground when he was swept into strong arms and Steve breathed raggedly from flying down so fast. In seconds, Rhodey, Bucky and Clint flew down too.

“Tony? Tony! Shit, he’s bleeding!” Steve barked hoarsely, shooting orders for the medics, “Get the medics here NOW! Tony, hold on, okay? Hold on.”

Natasha, who had been grinning at a morose looking Peter, noticed the commotion and immediately felt a chill go down her spine, running across.

“Tony? Shit, shit! This is all my fault! Tony!” Pepper was panicking at the visual of a broken Tony lying limp in Steve’s arms. Natasha didn’t bother with anybody else and immediately went to Pepper, putting her arms around the taller woman’s shoulders and grounding her calmly.

“Pepper, no, stop,” she said quietly, keeping her eyes focused on the panicked woman’s face, forcing her to look at Natasha, “Don’t do this. You working yourself into a panic isn’t going to help. Right? Come on Pep, breathe. Breathe with me.”

The medics poured in within minutes and tried to get Steve away from Tony. They missed getting punched in return only when Rhodey stepped in and calmly told them to take Steve along, shooting a meaningful look at Steve. Steve nodded once shortly before climbing into the ambulance beside an unconscious Tony, never leaving his hand and eyes roving frantically over his face with a steel determination.

“Holy fuck, man,” Clint cursed as the ambulance rushed out, Pepper and Natasha hurrying behind them to get into the former’s car, “How the hell did this happen?”

“It was me,” Sam muttered dully, looking traumatized ever since Tony had fallen from his broom, “I hit the ball at him and he fell. I did it.”

“I told you sir,” Maria’s voice came from behind and they turned to see her look primly at Nick who looked annoyed and concerned, “I told you, these team building activities will never succeed. They cannot be controlled by anyone, sir, not even Phil Coulson. They’re rash, uncaring of the –”

“Shut up,” Bucky growled from beside Sam and both Clint and Sam froze at the cold tone, “Shut up, right now. You think you can put this on Sam and Phil? Sam came in between me and that fucking bludger. He hit that ball to save me. Would you do that, Agent Hill? Would you lie on the line and let another person get saved? Cause Sam Wilson will. Phil Coulson, that’s who you’re trying to pin our behavior on? That guy is the only reason we’re not cutting off from SHIELD. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from Phil and my boyfriend.”

Everybody stood still for a minute before Darcy sneezed loudly and broke the tension with a few awkward laughs.

“Your boyfriend, huh?” Sam asked quietly and Bucky didn’t have the energy in him to deny it. He looked at Sam with fake bravado and jutted his chin forward, like he was expecting a fight.

“So what if I said so?” he dared, his eyes being the only part that betrayed the nervousness in him.

Sam got a calculative look in his eyes and left Bucky’s side, walking towards Nick. He whispered something to the man who looked confused for a minute before nodding and reaching into his pocket to bring out a bunch of chits stored in mini-pouches. Sam went through the bunch, stopped at a red one and returned the rest to Nick. Looking up straight at Bucky, he walked surely, not taking his eyes off at all.

“Here,” he thrust the pouch in Bucky’s hands when he came close, “Read this.”

Bucky looked at the pouch and then at Sam with a dubious look. Sam just gestured towards the pouch so Bucky breathed out and opened it, pulling out a small sheet of paper.

“A chance,” he read and frowned before looking up at Sam, “A chance for what?”

“A chance at being…more than friends with benefits,” Sam said quietly, smiling softly when Bucky’s eyes widened and he made a choking sound, “I kind of panicked and behaved like shit with you that day, when the magazine came –”

“Sam, that’s okay …”

“- and then I thought about it,” Sam continued over Bucky, breathing out, “I think…I think I panicked because I liked the idea. Of us, as something serious. But we hadn’t ever discussed that, so I tried to come up with excuses and then I came to you thinking that if you said something or hinted at something, maybe I’d feel better.”

“Sam…that makes no sense,” Bucky said bluntly with a soft chuckle that had Sam chuckling too.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but when have we ever done anything sensible?” he shrugged and Bucky grinned, “So…what do you say?”

Bucky felt like his face would split from grinning so much but he tried to shrug nonchalantly.

“Well, you _did_ win the bet,” he said mock-casually getting a raised eyebrow from Sam, “so I guess, technically, I have to agree.”

“Technically, huh?”

“It’s all about technicality, darlin’,” Bucky drawled with a waggle of his eyebrows and ducked when Sam punched him in the shoulder.

“Oh my god, stop, I’ll gag!” Clint snapped from behind and Bucky smirked at him, “Come on, we’ve got to go to medical. Tony’s still in la-la-land, you know?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Sam nodded and looked around a bit, “Where’s Phil? He isn’t coming?”

“Phil’s explaining how his bat came into Maria Hill’s hands when she hit a bludger at Bucky,” Clint said with a smug smirk and they looked across to see Phil talking to Nick coolly, “I think Pepper will win her bet regardless of losing now.”

Bucky snorted at that and Sam rolled his eyes as they went to find a vehicle to get them to the medical where Tony had been taken.

***************

When Tony felt his sleep break and awareness trickle in, he immediately regretted being awake. Everything hurt. His head, his body in parts he didn’t know could hurt so much, and even his heart, which was strange.

“Whassapen?” he tried to breathe hoarsely and felt like his throat was on fire. A large but gentle hand caught his neck at the back and tipped his face a bit forward, till Tony felt a straw jutting against his lips. Grabbing desperately for it, he took a few sips of cool, blissful water but lost the straw before he could gulp down some more.

“Mwor?” he whined lightly and heard an amused huff from above.

“Not yet,” a voice, a very familiar voice, said soothingly and a very familiar hand swept over his forehead softly, “You swallow it all and you’ll choke.”

“Nooooo” Tony whined, a bit better this time and the huff of laughter came again. Tony smiled involuntarily. He liked that laughter. It was quiet and soothing.

“Not now, baby,” the voice answered and something froze inside Tony.

**_“Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet, baby.”_ **

**_“I’m betting I’ll see a lot more of you by the end…baby”_ **

His eyes flew open when he remembered everything with a jolt and immediately felt his body scream with pain.

“Steve!” he breathed on a painful whisper and blinked a couple of times till the face of a concerned Steve came into his line of vision.

“I’m here, Tony. I’m right here,” Steve said calmly, attempting a smile that came out as more of a grimace, “You need to calm down. You’re hurt pretty bad.”

“You’re okay” Tony confirmed, looking all over Steve. Steve’s face softened and his eyes became pained at that.

“I’m fine, Tony. You’re the one that’s hurt.”

“You’re alive”

“Yes, Tony, everybody’s alive”

“Oh, that’s good”

“Yes, it is.”

“Great, now get out”

Steve paused in his reply and shut his mouth, frowning down at Tony, who looked coolly at him.

“I’m sorry?”

“Get out, Rogers, leave. Dégage! Capiche?”

Steve stared at Tony’s set jaw and poker face for a minute.

“Is this the meds talking or is this you?” he asked finally and leaned back, crossing his arms with a firm look on his face.

“It’s me. It’s all me. Happy? Now, leave.” Tony snapped and tried to turn his head away but couldn’t. Steve’s jaw worked for a minute before he sighed and it looked like the fight was draining out of him.

“Okay, let’s do this the long way,” he muttered and Tony frowned but Steve continued speaking, “Tony, do you like me?”

“Right now? Not very much.” Tony bit out and Steve narrowed his eyes.

“Alright, why?”

“Why?” Tony repeated and Steve nodded firmly.

“Why?”

“Because you’re not doing what I’m asking you to! You’re not doing what I want!” Tony hissed.

“Oh really? And what exactly is it that you want?” Steve narrowed his eyes again.

“You to leave,” Tony said pointedly.

Steve had an unreadable expression on his face for a minute before it slipped into the cool, collected Captain’s expression.

“Fine, I’ll wait till Rhodey comes in and then leave,” he said and looked away from Tony, staring at the window across.

“Great. Thanks.” Tony grunted and went to staring at the ceiling.

They were silent for a while, both of them staring at nothing in particular. Finally, Tony sighed and breathed in.

“Why’d you lead me on?” he asked quietly, not looking at Steve. He could feel Steve’s gaze shift on him though.

“Lead you on?” Steve echoed cautiously and Tony grimaced, finally looking up and glaring at the blond guy.

“Don’t act stupid, Rogers, doesn’t suit you.”

“We’ll find out who’s acting stupid in just a minute,” Steve waved a hand dismissively before fixing Tony with an intense stare, “What do you mean ‘lead you on’?”

Tony felt a pain in his chest area that was nowhere near the physical pain of the injuries.

“The flirting,” he spat, feeling bitter even as he said it.

“Yes, what about it?” Steve asked with a hopeful look and Tony felt the urge to hit him.

“God, when’d you turn mean?!” he whispered and ignored the hurt look on Steve’s face to continue, “You flirting with me. For the past few weeks. Ring any bell?”

“Yes, Tony, _what about that_?” Steve asked pointedly and Tony stared up at him.

“Are you seriously telling me that you don’t find it wrong?” Tony asked in surprise and Steve flinched, looking even more hurt.

“Wrong,” he repeated, “You think me flirting with you was wrong?”

“You think?!” Tony yelped and Steve opened his mouth before shutting it and breathing deeply.

“Tony, just to avoid a trainwreck of a misunderstanding and a ridiculously lost chance, can you please spell out in words what exactly was wrong with me flirting with you?”

“You’re obviously trying to use my ridiculous crush on you to get your way!” Tony snapped and Steve looked stunned.

“What?”

“And you’re in cahoots with Sharon and who knows who else, especially when you planned to use it against me during the match!”

“ _What?_ ”

“You’re playing gay-chicken with me, goddamn you!”

“WHAT?”

Tony paused at the last ‘what’ and looked closely at Steve who looked like he was going to burst. The expression made Tony bite back his next comment and he frowned at Steve.

“Are you…you look like you’re going to burst,” Tony informed him slowly, “Are you okay?”

Steve gaped at him for an entire minute before shutting his mouth, dropping his head into his hands and letting out a strangled groan. Tony thought that it was pretty rude, considering that Tony was the one who should be frustrated.

He opened his mouth to say so when he was attacked. By lips. Captain America lips.

“You” kiss “absolute” kiss “idiot”, Steve whispered against his lips even as Tony tried to reboot his brain, “Sometimes I think people over-rate your genius.”

“Hey!” Tony protested but was muffled when he got another deep kiss. And okay, it felt nice and made his heart flutter and fly, so Tony shut up and leaned in.

Steve finally pulled away from Tony, leaving him dazed and flushed. Steve himself didn’t look much better but he smiled shyly and dropped a last kiss on Tony’s brow before whispering in his ear.

“I’ve been trying to flirt with you for two months now,” he said and Tony felt his heart skip a beat, “The reason I flirted with you before and during the goddamned match was because I was trying to get a message across to you and you were adamantly blind to it.”

“Huh?” Tony breathed out and salvaged any brain cells he had to string a question hoarsely, “What message?”

“I like you, Tony Stark, and I want to date you.” Steve said simply and Tony thought he heard sirens and bells go off in the background.

He tried to shoot a smartass reply and opened his mouth.

“You do?” he asked instead wondrously and Steve kissed him again, looking like he couldn’t resist it. Which, wow, ego-boost!

“I do,” Steve replied and grinned when Tony smiled dopily up at him.

“So, gay-chicken?”

“No chicken, just bad flirting attempts apparently,” Steve made a face and Tony wanted to grab that face and kiss it till he made it smile again.

“And Sharon?” he asked because his brain would not shut up. Steve rolled his eyes at that but smirked.

“Knew all about my feelings for you and has been teasing me about it mercilessly for long.”

Tony grinned again at that and made a note to send his pseudo-cousin something nice for teasing Steve.

“Feelings, huh?” he asked stupidly and Steve snorted, “Heavy word there, baby.”

“Yeah, well, you’ll get there soon too, _baby_ ,” Steve quipped back and kiss the laugh right off Tony’s lips.

An hour or so later, when Steve was carefully snuggled up in Tony’s bed, minding his injuries, Tony pawed at his chest urgently.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he asked with wide eyes, “What’d you ask for in your bet?”

Steve blushed at that and Tony had an urge to lick his way all around that blush.

“A date,” he said and Tony chuckled, “I was going to ask for your heart, but then I kind of wanted to start off slow. You do seem to have problems taking hints and who knows, you might have thought that I was trying to kill you by ripping your heart out.”

“Aww, baby you know me so well,” Tony teased back and winked, “but don’t worry, I think I can lend you a spare reactor instead, for now.”

“How gracious,” Steve commented dryly and Tony chuckled. Steve smiled back before looking up at a drowsy looking Tony.

“What did you ask for?” Steve asked curiously, “In the bet?”

“Huh? Oh that,” Tony slurred before smiling dopily, “Your dick.”

Steve stilled for a minute before bursting out in laughter as Tony rubbed his cheek against Steve’s hair happily.

“That might have been easy,” he chuckled and Tony petted his hair.

“Yeah, all I’d have had to say was _Accio penis_ ,” Tony nodded before mumbling half-coherent noises into Steve’s hair.

Steve simply grinned at his boyfriend for a minute before closing his own eyes.

Accio penis, indeed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Feedback will be stored in my Chamber of Secrets! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
> So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
> I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
> So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
> I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna get feedback ha.


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